Is the spark gone from your love? You look at your partner one day and miss those fireworks from when you first met? This is how you relight it.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years, and I’d be lying if I said things aren’t vastly different than when we first began dating. We know each other’s biggest passions, greatest fears, and exact late-night Taco Bell order.
But being together for several years also means we’re much more comfortable with each other. We’ve traded most of our date nights for evenings spent bingeing Netflix. Sometimes, we don’t have much to say to each other because so much has already been said.
While I love my boyfriend like crazy, there have been times when our relationship felt mundane and boring. Younger me would’ve freaked out from thinking that hitting a plateau meant our relationship was doomed.
Luckily, older me knows better.
The reality is that you may look at your partner one day and feel like you love them deeply but miss that spark, all those fireworks that flew when you first met each other. Many couples go through this lull period, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It simply means that you’re craving for things to be shaken up. To be reminded of why you fell in love in the first place.
So fear not!
Your relationship isn’t fizzling out.
It’s going through the natural ebbs and flows that come with spending years with the same person. There’s still plenty you can do to bring excitement back into your relationship, to light that spark back up.
And you’ll have fun doing them along the way.
1. Talk about what you’ve both been feeling
The first step to bringing excitement back into your relationship is laying everything on the table. Have a conversation about the feelings you’ve both been experiencing and what you’ve missed the most.
Reflect on why you fell in love with each other.
How you used to spend your time and areas of your relationship you want to feel more connected.
Be sure to give each other room to talk about what’s on your mind.
And remember you’re both on the same team!
2. Start a new hobby together
Is there an activity you’ve been talking about that you both want to try? Maybe it’s joining a kickball league or indulging in your creative side during a ceramics class. Whatever you choose, know that the activity's newness can help bring excitement back into your relationship.
Research shows that couples who engage in a new activity together end up feeling more in love during and after. You’re learning together, which is a vulnerable task in itself, and having fun: the chemicals released while you do your new activity work in your favor for feeling more bonded.
3. Focus on each other’s love languages
The ways we show love can easily become routine and overlooked. “I love you” is sweet, but it starts to lose its spark when said over a hundred times. If you want to make each other feel cared for, consider coming up with new ways to show love in each other’s love languages.
My boyfriend’s love language is quality time. So we’ve been prioritizing leaving the house more to go out to eat or see friends together.
Words of affirmation is my love language. So my boyfriend is learning new ways to incorporate letting me know he appreciates me throughout the day.
Some of these changes seem small, but I promise they mean the world to your partner.
4. Do more activities apart
Yes, I suggest you spend time apart to feel more connected to your partner. Hear me out.
When you spend all your free time with your significant other, you will eventually run out of things to talk about. You may even grow to resent your partner because spending all your time with any person would feel like a lot.
But when you go out into the world without your partner, you come back with stories and plenty to talk about. You spend time doing hobbies you love and seeing friends. And all of that combined makes you feel better about yourself, which is the energy that will help bring excitement back into your relationship.
5. Shake things up in your sex life
Couples tend to feel like their sex life is the first thing to lose its spark. And while it’s impossible to bring back those same feelings of sleeping with your partner for the first time, you can tweak your sex life to make it a lot hotter than it is now.
A great place to start is talking about any fantasies you have. Maybe there’s some role-playing you both can do or a certain kind of position. Go to a sex shop and find a new toy you both want to test out. Make the experience last longer by starting with a massage and some candles.
6. Prioritize date night
My last tip is to never stop prioritizing date night. Most couples crave spending quality time together, yet they think just being around each other achieves that. Spoiler: it doesn’t.
Planning intentional time together will give you both something to look forward to, and you’ll feel cared for. Date night can include going out to dinner, but it doesn’t have to involve spending money, either! A puzzle and some wine could easily do the trick, as long as you put down your phones and enjoy each other’s company.