I’m not sure how I’d define my sexuality; I’d date whoever, regardless of their gender. I feel attracted to all kinds of people. But one thing that I know for sure is this: prioritizing sex isn’t, nor has it ever been, a thing in my relationships.
It’s been a long journey coming to this realization. I have more memories than I’d care to admit of partners making me feel bad for my lack of sexual desire. I’ve been called a “prude,” “tease,” and a slew of other hurtful names. From those comments, I assumed something was wrong with me.
As a result, I faked my desire. I’d have sex when I didn’t want to and didn’t create boundaries when men coerced me into it. I felt like I was constantly letting my partners down. I concluded the only way I could know if someone loved me was by whether we had sex often.
But all that changed when I met my current boyfriend.
Without even realizing it, I no longer felt that pressure to have sex all the time. We both seemed content with only doing it two, maybe three times a month. It caught me so off guard, that I one day asked my boyfriend if he was happy with our sex life.
“Yeah,” he replied, “Don’t get me wrong, I love having sex. I just never think about it. So the frequency we have going is perfect for me.”
Him de-prioritizing sex blew my mind.
It validated that my experience wasn’t abnormal.
Naturally, I took to Tiktok to voice this realization.
And while my video was met with a lot of skepticism, including, “he’s def cheating on you,” I also had many people comment about how relieved they were to hear about a relationship where sex wasn’t a top priority since it’s not for theirs.
Looking back, it makes a lot of sense. I talk a lot about how every relationship is unique. Two individuals come to a relationship with unique perspectives, opinions, and desires; naturally, what works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another.
But with sex being such a pervasive topic in mainstream media, it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want to rip your partner’s clothes off every time you’re alone.
Most website's “Dating and Relationships” sections are filled with articles like “the best sex positions to create a deeper bond with your partner” or “vibrators can save your relationship.”
Hell, every time you see marital issues portrayed in movies, the conversation starts with, “but how often are you having sex?”
While I’m not here to make those prioritizing sex feel ashamed, I wish the same grace could be shown to people who prioritize other things in their relationship. Intimacy isn’t only fostered when you’re naked in bed; there are many beautiful ways to connect with your partner.
Does it matter which one a couple chooses, as long as they’re happy?
Which does bring up one cause for concern: how do you handle one partner desiring sex more often than the other? Well, you have to first start with a conversation. Lay everything out on the table and see what you’re working with. Be radically honest, if you will.
A great compromise could be things like blowjobs and fingering when the person giving isn’t in the mood for something more. When you open up the definition of sex and pleasure, you allow a wider range of ways to meet that need, making both people feel happy.
And while you’re at it, talk about ways to cultivate intimacy in your relationship that aren’t exclusive to sex. You can build emotional intimacy by talking about your goals and passions in life. Learning to communicate better will also deepen your connection.
Add more romance into your relationship in whatever ways feel fun to you and your partner. Create a sense of novelty by trying new activities together. Live more in the present rather than being consumed by worries about the future.
It’s wild to think that my relationship where I’m having sex the least is the one that makes me the happiest.
I grew up thinking how often a couple had sex determined their success, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
My boyfriend and I prioritize quality time, trust, respect, solid communication, and seeing our friends. All of which we rock at. We make time for what brings us joy and talk if that changes. For us, sex just isn’t important.
We have it when we want to and don’t add any unnecessary pressure around it.
But I know that our priorities aren’t the same as everyone else’s, and that’s what makes relationships so beautiful. You find what works uniquely for you and ignore people who make you feel bad about it.
As long as you’re both happy, that’s all that matters.